If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
