fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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