Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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