i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
