I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
