dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
