me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
