I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
