the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
