my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
