Four minutes until I can fart!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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