just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
