i just wanna soil my oats bro
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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