she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
