I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Text me some of your sweat
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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