I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
