Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
