I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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