i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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