Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
