then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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