My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
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Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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