My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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