stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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