your parents love me but you hate me
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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