So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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