I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
