Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
