Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
