Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
he had hair everywhere except his balls