I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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