wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
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I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
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There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.