I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
