Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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