ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
