Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
