Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
