Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
