I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
God I need to hump something, right now.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
