i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
