I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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