Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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