final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
