theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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