Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
And then he peed in my hair
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