Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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