you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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