Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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