Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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