Whod you bang
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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