I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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