I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
