just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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