Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
