I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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